Wednesday, February 17, 2016

2209. The Death of Antonin Scalia: Reactions from Quail

By Samantha Bee, Full Frontal, February 12, 2016 
Samantha Bee

The sudden passing of Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia sent shockwaves through the quail of West Texas, who only hours earlier had been shot at repeatedly by Scalia on a hunting trip.

“I often found his originalist approach to interpreting the Constitution frustratingly inflexible, and I also vehemently opposed his murdering as many quail as possible for fun. But while I’m grateful my hatchlings will live to see broods of their own, I’m also aware that the nation’s highest court has lost a towering intellect and a true craftsman of the judicial opinion.”
“Sure, Scalia conveniently discarded his entire jurisprudential philosophy in Columbia v. Heller, when he mangled the Second Amendment to allow pretty much anyone with four fingers and a thumb to carry around a gun. On the other hand, that’s all we quail have EVER known. So, you know, welcome to our world, assholes.
“I don’t really follow politics, but it’ll just be nice to focus all my anxiety on hawks.”
“Personally, I was always been fascinated by the longstanding friendship between Scalia and Justice Ginsburg. If a liberal warrior such as herself could find something personally redemptive about him, then maybe there’s more to this man than arch-conservatism and the fact he shot my mother and took her home in a bag.”
Homosexual Quail
“I’d like to think that, on his very last hunting trip, he looked into a thicket and caught a glimpse of me and my same-sex pair-bonded mate preening each other. Yeah. That’d be real nice.”
“As a quail, I’m a firm believer in not getting shot out of the sky while transporting leaves to line my nest with. But I’m also a conservative, and I can’t help but think Scalia’s brilliant and ferocious opposition to judicial overreach will not easily be replaced in my lifetime. Especially since that’s like 5 years, tops.”

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